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The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
What helps
Self-esteem

Self-esteem

These pages are about whether your child likes themselves, and they’re for the parent watching for signs that the answer is no. They look at what lets self-esteem grow: feeling safe, being competent at everyday things, and love with no conditions attached. Many children sense, without anyone saying so, that love comes with conditions.

What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/self-esteem

What to do first

Self-esteem comes from a child finding out, again and again, that they’re capable, and that they’re loved when they aren’t. Praise doesn’t build it.

  1. Praise the effort and how your child went about it, instead of the result. “You kept going when that was hard” has a different effect from “you’re so clever.”
  2. Let your child do one difficult thing without rescuing them. They need to find out they can do it, and comfort can’t give them that.
  3. Pick a day when your child hasn’t achieved anything in particular, and say out loud something that has no conditions attached.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

  • Praise That Tells Your Child Something. Describe what your child did and how they did it, which tells them far more than a verdict on how clever they are.
    • Describe what your child did: “You kept going when it got hard, and you checked your answer.”
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/praise-that-tells-your-child-something
  • Not Invited to the Party. A party for four and a whole class minus one mean different things, so find out which it was, and let your child be sad before you try to fix it.
    • Find out how many children were asked before you decide what it means.
    • Have one friend round soon, and tell your child’s teacher if they’re left out on purpose again and again.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/not-invited-to-the-party
  • The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle. When a perfectionist child tears up their maths, they’re upset about what getting it wrong says about them.
    • Praise the work your child has done, not the kind of child they are.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-worksheet-torn-down-the-middle

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

The thing your child can teach you. Ask your child to teach you something they can do and you can’t. They run the lesson, you get it wrong in front of them, and at the end you tell them what you learned.

What it is for. Much of a child’s day is spent being taught and corrected. Teaching you something turns that round: they’re the one who knows, you’re the one getting it wrong, and they see you take them seriously. For a child who finds school hard, it’s a chance to be good at something in front of someone whose opinion matters to them.

  • The first step. Notice something your child can do that you can’t, and ask for a lesson: “Will you teach me how you do that? I’ve no idea where to start.” It can be anything they care about, from a game to a dance to a way of drawing eyes.

When to get help. If your child often says they’re useless or no good at anything, compares themselves harshly with other children, or is pulling away from friends and things they used to enjoy, and it has lasted several weeks or is getting worse, talk to their school and your GP. The school may be able to link them with a mentor, or help them take on a new responsibility. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other five steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
  • YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
  • Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
  • Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk

The full list for self-esteem, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/self-esteem/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.