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The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
What helps
Sexuality

Sexuality

Sexuality is part of who a child is, and who they are becoming, in relation to other people. We’ve written about it carefully for every age, from a young child’s question about what a body is to the mid-teens conversation about what intimacy is for. These pages are for the parent who wants to be available without being intrusive.

What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/sexuality

What to do first

If a young person has told you about this, they have chosen you. What they’ll remember is your face in the first two seconds, not the words.

  1. Say “thank you for telling me”, and say “I love you”. Everything else can come later.
  2. Don’t tell anyone else, including family, without asking your child first. It’s for them to decide who knows, and when.
  3. Go on as normal afterwards. Behaving exactly as you did before is the most reassuring thing you can do.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

  • Before Someone Shows Your Child Porn. Many children come across pornography by accident, often on social media, so talk to your child about it before someone shows them.
    • Talk about it before your child is likely to see it, briefly and more than once.
    • Add one rule, whatever your child’s age: if anyone sends them a naked or sexual picture of someone under 18, or asks them for one, your child tells you and doesn’t pass it on. If that happens, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it, or ask a child to send it to you. A screenshot is a copy. Don’t delete anything until you have advice from the school’s designated safeguarding lead. If an adult sent it or asked for one, or anyone is pressuring your child to send pictures, report it to specialist police officers. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.
    • If an adult has shown your child pornography or sent it to them, treat it as a safeguarding matter and act that day. If it happened online, report it to the same specialist police officers too. If that adult lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/before-someone-shows-your-child-porn
  • When You Find Your Child Has Been Watching Porn. If your child has been watching pornography, start with a calm conversation, unless it involves a child, an adult contacting your child, or pressure.
    • First decide whether it’s adult pornography or a safeguarding matter.
    • If you’ve come across a naked or sexual image of anyone who may be under 18, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it, or ask a child to send it to you. A screenshot is a copy. Leave the device alone, and ask the school’s designated safeguarding lead before deleting anything. An adult messaging your child about sex, or anyone pressuring them for pictures or threatening to share them, goes to specialist police officers. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/. An image of a child online can also be reported for removal. Internet Watch Foundation. Report at https://www.iwf.org.uk/en/uk-report/. If it is of your child, they can report it themselves. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/.
    • If you think your child has pressured or forced another child into anything sexual, tell the school’s designated safeguarding lead; if that child lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
    • If your child talks about harming themselves or not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-you-find-your-child-has-been-watching-porn
  • Finding the Words for Gender and Sexuality. Ask your child which words they use, use those, and let them tell you when you get it wrong.
    • Ask once, lightly: “What words do you use? Tell me when I get it wrong.”
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-language-you-dont-quite-have

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

A letter they don’t have to answer. If your teenager may be working out who they are, a short letter can tell them what is hard to say face to face: that you love them, and that they don’t have to reply.

What it is for. Some teenagers take in something important more easily when nobody is watching their face. A letter that asks for nothing lets them know where you stand before they have decided whether to tell you anything.

  • The first step. Write it when you are calm. Keep it short, a few lines or half a page, in your own words.

Safety. What they tell you about who they are is theirs to share, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting them, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be alive, don’t promise to keep it secret. Say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.

When to get help. If they seem low, withdrawn or anxious for weeks, or are being bullied, talk to your GP and their school. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If you think someone older is grooming them, online or off, act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting your child lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Who else can help

A child’s sexuality is not something to treat, and most of this is conversation at home. Tell the school if your child is being bullied or left out, and ask for the designated safeguarding lead if you are worried about pressure from someone older, online or off; if it cannot wait, or the school is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”. See the GP if your child’s mood drops and stays low.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
  • Brook. The young people’s sexual health charity. Calm pages for parents on puberty, periods and talking about sex and relationships at home. When the question has arrived in the back of the car. Reading; the clinics are for young people themselves. www.brook.org.uk/parents-and-carers
  • YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline

The full list for sexuality, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/sexuality/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.