Community support

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• Asking for Help That Feels Like Failing. A specific request for help gets a yes or a no; a general one gets sympathy.
  • Ask for one specific thing: “Can you collect them on Thursday?”
  • Contact your local branch first: Home-Start UK visits families across the country.
  • “Can I drop them at yours on Saturday morning while I see the GP?”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/asking-for-help-that-feels-like-failing
• The Friend You Have Stopped Calling. Losing touch with friends happens gradually, and the way back starts with a quick, low-stakes message.
  • Send a two-line text; don’t wait for the long-overdue catch-up.
  • If you are struggling yourself, there is an evening helpline for anyone who needs to talk. CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably), 0800 58 58 58. Daily 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-friend-you-have-stopped-calling
• The Fear That Stops You Asking. Many parents fear that asking for help will cost them their children, but what usually follows asking is help.
  • Name the fear to yourself: it is common, and what usually follows asking is help.
  • Book the GP, or in England refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.
  • If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or your children safe, do not wait for the GP: use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page. Say if your child is with you; it means the person helping can think about your child as well as you.
  • For most people, the first step is the GP.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-fear-that-stops-you-asking

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

The people in our corner. On one sheet of paper, map the people and places your family can turn to, then choose one person to ask for help this month.

What it is for. When things are hard, it is easy to forget who is on your side, or to find you have lost touch with people. Seeing it on paper makes it easier to ask a particular person for a particular thing, and shows you where to look for more help.

• The first step. Put your family in the middle of the page. Around it, write the people and places you can turn to: family, friends, neighbours, other parents, the school, your GP, groups, a faith community, work.
• If the map looks thin, add one place to find more support: a local family hub or children’s centre, a parenting helpline, a group for parents in your situation, or your GP.

Safety. If there is someone you need to keep your family safe from, keep the map private and leave their name off it.

When to get help. If you are struggling to cope, or your mood has been low for several weeks, talk to your GP; in England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies. If a child’s map shows no adult they feel safe with, or names someone who frightens them, stay calm, listen to what your child says in their own words, and don’t press them with questions. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page; if that person lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. Act that day too if you are worried for any other reason that someone is harming your child. If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or someone else safe, use those routes straight away.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

Worth your time

• A book for you: Day by Day, Joanna Griffin. A counselling psychologist who is herself the parent of a disabled child writes about the emotional side of caring, including grief, exhaustion, relationships and money, with ways to look after yourself at each stage. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/day-by-day-emotional-wellbeing-in-parents-of-disabled-children-joanna-griffin/47fbc8503e6748b1
• A book to read together: You Can Change the World! Everyday Teen Heroes Making a Difference Everywhere, Margaret Rooke. Stories of teenagers around the world who have started campaigns, charities and projects, from climate action to kindness. Chosen for Reading Well for teens, it counters helplessness with a sense of agency. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/you-can-change-the-world-everyday-teen-heroes-making-a-difference-everywhere-margaret-rooke/db788084cc58f7b3
• Something to watch: Meet Contact, the UK charity for families with disabled children, Contact, YouTube. An introduction to Contact, the UK charity for families with disabled children, and the free helpline and advice it offers on benefits, education and care. www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC1jAsbt_68
• Something to listen to: Parenting is a Team Sport with Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, Raising Good Humans, 57 min. Former US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy on parental stress and loneliness, why parenting was never meant to be done alone, and the small, deliberate connections that help build a village around a family. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/parenting-is-a-team-sport-with-surgeon-general-dr/id1473072044?i=1000667243478

Who else can help

What helps here is mostly local and mostly free. Between them, the school, the council and Citizens Advice know what exists near you.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your local authority. The council’s children’s services and SEND team. They hold statutory assessment, the Local Offer, and early help for families who need more than a school can give. When school-level support has been tried and is not enough, or when you want to know what your area actually provides. www.gov.uk/find-local-council

• Hub of Hope. A free directory of local and national mental health services, searched by postcode and by what you need, with separate routes for under-twenty-fives and for urgent help. When you want to know what actually exists near you, for you or for your child. hubofhope.co.uk
• Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
• Home-Start UK. Trained volunteers who visit families with young children at home, week by week, and local groups. You can refer yourself. When the early years are harder than anyone told you and what you need is another adult in the house. What is offered varies by area. The local branch is the right first call, and can tell you how long the wait is. www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

The full list for community support, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/community-support/services