Bullying

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• Left Out on Purpose, Again. Whether it’s a falling-out or bullying decides what you do next, so find out which before you act.
  • Ask who, where and how often before you decide what it is.
  • For bullying, keep a short diary and ask to see your child’s class teacher.
  • If it’s bullying, keep a short diary of what happened and when, and ask to see your child’s class teacher. Every school should have a written anti-bullying policy, so ask to see it, and ask what the school will do and when you’ll hear back. If the school hasn’t been able to sort it out, the specialist anti-bullying charity has an advice line for parents. Coram Kidscape, 0300 102 4481. WhatsApp 07496 682785. Email pal@coramkidscape.org.uk. Mon-Tue 9.30am-2.30pm; reduced over the summer holidays. Voicemail, email and WhatsApp accepted outside hours. If a child is at risk of harm now, do not wait for a reply: call the police on 101, or 999 if anyone is in immediate danger. Help is free.
  • If they stay low, eat or sleep differently, or stop enjoying things they used to love, talk to your GP as well as the school.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/left-out-on-purpose-again
• When the Bullying Follows Your Child Home. Tell your teenager now, before anything happens, that you will never take their phone away because they told you something.
  • Tell your teenager now that you will never take their phone away because they told you something.
  • There is one exception to keeping a record. If anyone has shared a nude or semi-nude picture of your teenager, or of anyone under 18, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it, or ask a child to send it to you. A screenshot is a copy. Get advice from the school’s safeguarding lead before deleting anything. If the picture is of your teenager, they can report it themselves to have it taken down. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/. If an adult is involved, or someone is threatening to share a picture of your child or asking for money, report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.
  • If your teenager seems low, stops eating or sleeping, or can’t face school, talk to your GP. If your teenager has hurt themselves, or talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
  • If your child is in danger or badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get help straight away, even if they seem well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-the-bullying-follows-your-child-home
• When Your Child Is the One Doing the Bullying. Hear the facts first, then be clear with your child that it stops and that they’ll help put it right.
  • Hear the school’s whole account, and ask for its anti-bullying policy.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-your-child-is-the-one-doing-the-bullying

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Running the moment through. On a calm day, you play the other child and your child tries out what they might say. Keep it short and light, and do it once or twice at most.

What it is for. Adults usually hand a worried child the words to say. Running the moment through lets the child find their own, without you stepping in for them.

• The first step. Choose a calm time, and avoid the hour after school. The next morning or the weekend is often better.
• If your child is being targeted (the same child or group, again and again, on purpose), stop there. The rehearsal is not the response: tell your child you are going to talk to the school, and what you will say, before you do it.

Safety. If it is happening in a group chat, rehearse nothing to send, and send nothing tonight. If it keeps happening, it goes to the school.

When to get help. If it sounds like bullying, contact your child’s class teacher or form tutor this week, saying what you have noticed rather than what you have concluded. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• When Your Child Is Being Bullied. For parents whose child has just told them about being bullied. theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-being-bullied
• Your Child’s Online World. For parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee. theparentbook.com/reader/online-life-beyond-screens

Worth your time

• A book for you: 8 Keys to End Bullying, Signe Whitson. A compact guide from social worker Signe Whitson on spotting bullying, talking with a child who is being targeted, handling online cruelty and working constructively with the school.
• A book to read together: All the Things That Could Go Wrong, Stewart Foster. Alex has OCD and Dan is the boy who makes his life miserable; one summer they are made to build a raft together. Told in both voices, it shows the bully’s own troubles without excusing him. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/all-the-things-that-could-go-wrong-stewart-foster/d5af271afffa4f1b
• Something to watch: Anti-Bullying Alliance Definition of Bullying - Subtitled, Anti-Bullying Alliance, YouTube. The Anti-Bullying Alliance’s short, clear definition of bullying, which helps parents and children tell repeated, intentional harm from ordinary falling out. www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiTxGTFkLYM
• Something to listen to: 166: My Kid Is Being Bullied. What Should I Do?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 33 min. A 12-year-old is being taunted by older boys on the school bus. Damour explains the difference between conflict and bullying, why children bully, and step by step how adults should step in. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/166-my-kid-is-being-bullied-what-should-i-do/id1525689066?i=1000652582735

Who else can help

Tell the school first, in writing, and ask what they will do and by when. Ask for the designated safeguarding lead by name if you think your child is at risk.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• The designated safeguarding lead at your child’s school. Every school has one, by law. They are trained for exactly this conversation and they have the routes a parent does not. As soon as you have a concern about a child’s safety. Ask for them by role; you do not have to explain yourself to the office first.

• Coram Kidscape. The UK’s anti-bullying charity. A free Parent Advice Line by phone, WhatsApp or email, staffed by people who know how schools work. When you have raised bullying with the school and it has not stopped, or you want help preparing for that conversation. Kidscape Parent Advice Line 0300 102 4481 · Mon-Tue 9.30am-2.30pm; reduced over the summer holidays. Voicemail, email and WhatsApp accepted outside hours · If a child is at risk of harm now, do not wait for a reply: call the police on 101, or 999 if anyone is in immediate danger. coramkidscape.org.uk/parent-advice-line
• Anti-Bullying Alliance. Clear guidance on what counts as bullying, what a school in England must do about it, and how to raise it with them, from the body that sets the standard. Before the meeting with school, so you know what you are entitled to ask for. Information; Kidscape is the line to ring. anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-and-support/advice-parents-and-carers
• NSPCC. The NSPCC helpline is for adults worried about a child. You do not have to be sure, you can call anonymously, and they will tell you whether it needs to go further and help you take that step. When something has been said or seen and you do not know what to do with it. Childline, 0800 1111, is the line for a child to call themselves. NSPCC Helpline (for adults) 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/nspcc-helpline

The full list for bullying, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/bullying/services