Body image

How a child has come to see herself in the mirror, and where that picture was made. The conversations parents do not realise they are having, the magazines and feeds and changing rooms and PE kits. We hold this territory with care, and with a long view across the age range.

Everything the library holds on this, on one page. The whole of it is at theparentbook.com/help/body-image

If this is happening right now

How a child speaks about her body is largely learned from the adults around her, and that means it can be relearned. What you say about your own body is doing most of the teaching.

Stop the commentary. Yours, about yourself, first. Children are not listening to what you tell them about their bodies; they are listening to what you say about yours.
Praise what a body does rather than how it looks. She climbed the thing; she swam further than last week.
If eating has changed and not changed back, treat it as a medical question and see the GP.

Some tips to try

Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.

The Boy Whose Voice Is Changing. For the parent whose son has just heard his voice crack.
- Take a walk, not a kitchen conversation. Side by side beats face to face.
- Cover voice, body hair, smell, wet dreams briefly. Do not lecture.
- Let him be quiet on the walk home. The shorter, the better.
theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-boy-whose-voice-is-changing
The First Bra Conversation. For the mother whose daughter has asked the bra question.
- Take her seriously. Shop together at a department store that measures properly.
- Try crop tops first, the ones that read more like a vest.
- Do not photograph the moment. Do not announce it to the wider family.
theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-first-bra-conversation
What She Hears You Say About Bodies. For the first decade, body image is made of what she heard adults say.
- Swallow disparaging remarks about your own body in front of her.
- Replace “they make your legs look longer” with “do they feel like you”.
- When she asks if she is fat, ask gently why she is asking.
theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-sentence-in-the-changing-room

If you want to read further

Body Image. A chapter for parents who want to raise a child at peace in their own body. theparentbook.com/reader/body-image-and-the-conversations-we-do-not-realise-we-are-having
Eating and Control. A chapter for parents whose mealtimes have become the place where everything else is happening. theparentbook.com/reader/eating-and-control

Worth your time

A book for you: Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense, Ellyn Satter. The seminal text on the division of responsibility framework. uk.bookshop.org/search?keywords=child+mine+satter
Something to watch: Abigail Morris and Susie Orbach in Conversation, Susie Orbach with Abigail Morris, YouTube. A longer conversation between Susie Orbach and writer Abigail Morris on body image, eating, and the cultural air a teenage girl breathes. Suitable for a parent and an older teenage daughter to watch together, or for a parent alone. The conversation makes audible what most household conversations about food and bodies do not. www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUgIuPLImMM

Where else to go

For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.

Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

BEAT (Beat Eating Disorders). The UK’s eating disorder charity. The early signpost in any chapter touching on eating disorders or restrictive behaviour. Any chapter where eating, body image, or food anxiety has tipped into restrictive or compulsive territory. Signpost early in the chapter, not at the end; the youth helpline matters. BEAT Helplines England 0808 801 0677, Scotland 0808 801 0432, Wales 0808 801 0433, Northern Ireland 0808 801 0434 · Mon-Fri 3pm-8pm · Webchat, social media DM, email via website www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk
Brook. The UK’s national charity for young people’s sexual health and wellbeing. Their RSE pages are the cleanest single source we know for puberty, periods, and age-appropriate sex education at home. When a parent is preparing for or holding a puberty conversation, when a question about sex has arrived in the back of the car, or when a school’s RSE curriculum has prompted a follow-up at home. www.brook.org.uk
YoungMinds. The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern. When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk www.youngminds.org.uk/parent

The full list for body image, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/body-image/services

If you need help right now

If you or your child is in immediate danger999 · Go to your nearest A&E · 24/7.
If you, or your child, is in mental health crisisNHS 111 · England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000 · 24/7.
If your child or young person is having thoughts of suicidePapyrus HopeLine 24/7 · 0300 102 2470 · text HOPE to 88247 · 24/7, every day · email pat@papyrus-uk.org · Text and email replies may take up to 24 hours. · www.papyrus-uk.org/help-me/hopeline-24-7.
If your child needs to talk to someone themselvesChildline · 0800 1111 · 24/7 · www.childline.org.uk.
If you are worried that a child is being harmed or is at riskNSPCC Helpline · 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · email help@nspcc.org.uk · www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999..
If you would prefer to text rather than speakShout · Text SHOUT to 85258 · 24/7 · giveusashout.org.
If you are struggling yourself and need to talkSamaritans · 116 123 · 24/7 · www.samaritans.org.

If you need help right now

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.