Safeguarding

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• The Secrets Your Child Can Always Tell. Teach your child that surprises get told in the end, and that a secret that worries them is one they can always tell you.
  • When a surprise comes up, say: “Surprises get told in the end.”
  • Young children love secrets, and most of theirs are harmless: what is in the box for Granny’s birthday, the den behind the shed. The NSPCC’s Underwear Rule teaches children that there are good and bad secrets. A good secret is a surprise, like a present or a party, and it gets told in the end. A bad secret makes your child feel sad, worried or frightened, and they can always tell you about it.
  • If your child tells you that someone has touched them, hurt them or asked them to keep a secret about their body, stay calm, thank them for telling you, tell them it isn’t their fault, and don’t promise to keep it secret: tell them you will need to tell someone whose job is to keep children safe. Don’t question your child further or confront the person, and act that day. If the person lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. Act that day too if what your child tells you suggests that another child is being hurt. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
  • If your child is in danger right now, don’t wait. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-secrets-your-child-can-always-tell
• UK Safeguarding for Parents New Here. Your school’s focus on safeguarding is required by law, and every school in the UK shares it.
  • Safeguarding is a legal duty on every school in the UK: in England the framework is Keeping Children Safe in Education, and each other nation has its own guidance.
  • Every school has a designated safeguarding lead, whatever the title, the right adult for any concern.
  • Ask the DSL where you are unsure if something rises to the level of concern.
  • Families newly arrived at UK independent schools are often surprised by how seriously the school takes safeguarding: the training the staff have, the Designated Safeguarding Lead whose name appears in every policy, and how often safeguarding is mentioned in school communications. If you’re used to a different system, the way it’s presented can make it seem more alarming than it is.
  • UK safeguarding is statutory. In England, every school, independent schools included, works to Keeping Children Safe in Education, known across the sector as KCSIE, which sets out what schools must do to protect children. Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland each have their own guidance, under a different name and with a differently titled lead, on the same architecture. The DSL in your child’s school is the senior member of staff who takes lead responsibility for safeguarding; the governing body or proprietor is answerable for it. All the training, the policies and the seriousness come from this framework. None of it is a sign of a particular concern about your child or your school.
  • In practice, this makes your school’s safeguarding something you can rely on. The DSL is the right adult to bring in if you have any concern about your child’s safety, online or in person. The DSL is also the right adult to ask if you are not sure whether something rises to the level of a safeguarding concern.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/uk-safeguarding-for-parents-new-here
• When Your Child Hits You. Being hurt by your own child is not a secret to keep, and there is help for both of you.
  • If your child turns violent, leave the room with the other children, and call the police if anyone is in danger. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
  • This week, tell your GP or the school’s safeguarding lead what has been happening.
  • In the moment, get yourself and the other children out of the room, or the house. Don’t hit back, and don’t try to restrain an older or stronger child: you could both be hurt. If violence is being used or threatened, call the police. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour. If anyone is hurt, get medical help. If your child hurts a brother or sister badly or often, or in a way you cannot stop, in either home, ask children’s social care for help that day: both children need it.
  • In England and Wales, parents can call a free helpline. Coram Family Lives, 0808 800 2222. Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free. Scotland has its own. Children First, 08000 28 22 33. Email supportline@childrenfirst.org.uk. Mon-Fri 9am-9pm, Sat-Sun 9am-noon. Outside those hours the line is closed. If a child is in immediate danger, Children First says to call the police. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free. So does Northern Ireland. Parentline NI, 0808 8020 400. Email parentline@ci-ni.org.uk. Mon-Thu 9am-9pm, Fri 9am-5pm, Sat 9am-1pm. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.
  • Your GP can start an assessment.
  • If you think someone may be hurting your child, or your child tells you so, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free. Your child can also talk to someone themselves, without you in the room. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-your-child-hits-you

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

A word that means “come and get me”. Agree a code word with your teenager that means “come and get me”, with no telling-off that night, so that they can always leave somewhere they don’t want to be.

What it is for. A teenager who wants to leave a party, a car or a friend’s house often stays, because leaving means losing face or owning up to where they are. A word agreed in advance lets them get out without explaining, and tells them that their safety matters more to you than any rule they may have broken.

• The first step. Choose a word or a single character your teenager can text you, or say on a call, that means “come and get me”. Make it dull, so that nobody reading over their shoulder would notice.
• Promise no telling-off that night, and no questions about where your teenager was or what they were doing. What you will always ask is whether they are all right: whether they are hurt or frightened, have taken anything, or need a doctor. Agree a time the next day to talk, and keep that conversation calm.
• Say plainly what the promise can’t cover. If your teenager or anyone with them is hurt, very drowsy or confused, unconscious, has been assaulted, is being held or threatened, or may have been spiked, you will call for emergency help, whatever the word.

Safety. Spiking can look like being very drunk, and some drugs leave the body within hours. If you suspect it, get medical help early and report it to the police. The person who was spiked is never to blame. If your teenager is very drunk, stay with them and don’t leave them to sleep it off alone: they could be sick while drowsy and choke. If you think they have alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help, using the routes under “If you need help right now”. Keep the word between the two of you and any adult you name to collect your teenager.

When to get help. If your teenager or anyone with them is hurt, very drowsy or confused, unconscious, has been assaulted, may have been spiked or is being held or threatened, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, straight away. Do the same if your teenager hasn’t come home, you can’t reach them or anyone with them, and you are worried for your teenager’s safety. If your teenager tells you, that night or later, that someone hurt them or did something sexual to them, that someone is pressuring or threatening them, or that they are hurting themselves or don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting your teenager lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. If you think your teenager is being exploited or groomed, act that day: contact the police or your local children’s social care, or get advice from the NSPCC. If something that happened is still troubling them weeks later, talk to your GP.

The other two steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• Your Child’s Online World. For parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee. theparentbook.com/reader/online-life-beyond-screens
• Trauma in Childhood. For parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has. theparentbook.com/reader/the-shape-of-trauma-in-childhood

Worth your time

• A book for you: Off Limits, Sandy K. Wurtele & Feather Berkower. A research psychologist and a prevention educator explain how abuse happens and how parents can reduce the risk, from body-safety language and family rules to spotting grooming behaviour in adults.
• A book to read together: Pantosaurus and the Power of PANTS, Rebecca Gerlings. The NSPCC’s own picture book of its PANTS rule: privates are private, your body belongs to you, no means no, talk about secrets that upset you, and speak up. Calm and cheerful, it makes body safety an ordinary conversation. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/pantosaurus-and-the-power-of-pants-rebecca-gerlings/15d26accff745b76
• Something to watch: NSPCC Talking PANTS : Real Parents, NSPCC, YouTube. Real parents try having the PANTS conversation with their young children, showing how short and ordinary it can be. Takes the awkwardness out. www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-m-gpG1mTU
• Something to listen to: How domestic abuse affects children, NSPCC Learning Podcast, 27 min. NSPCC Helpline and Childline staff explain how living with domestic abuse affects children even when they are not directly involved, and how it can show in behaviour, development and school. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/how-domestic-abuse-affects-children/id1492068617?i=1000674685321

Who else can help

You do not have to be sure. Tell someone whose job it is to know what to do next.

• The designated safeguarding lead at your child’s school. Every school has one, by law. They are trained for exactly this conversation and they have the routes a parent does not. As soon as you have a concern about a child’s safety. Ask for them by role; you do not have to explain yourself to the office first.
• The NSPCC helpline, for adults worried about a child. A line for the adult who is not sure whether what they have noticed is serious. You do not need to be certain, and you can call anonymously. When something has been said or seen and you do not know what to do with it. They will tell you whether it needs to go further, and help you take that step. Helpline 0808 800 5000, Monday to Friday 10am to 4pm Email help@nspcc.org.uk, read 11am to 4pm, seven days a week; a message sent while the service is closed is not received. If it is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101, or contact the child’s local children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. www.nspcc.org.uk
• Children’s social care at the local council. The council team whose job is to keep children safe. You can contact them directly about any child you are worried about, your own or someone else’s. In Wales it is social services, and in Scotland the council’s social work department. In Northern Ireland it is the Gateway team at the local Health and Social Care Trust; nidirect.gov.uk gives each team’s details. The link below finds the team in England. When you think a child is being harmed, or is at risk of harm. Contact the team for the area where the child lives; if you do not know where that is, contact your own local team, the NSPCC or the police for advice. You will be asked for your details, and you can choose not to give them. Outside office hours, the council’s or Trust’s website gives the number to call. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse-to-local-council

• CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). The National Crime Agency’s child protection command. Their parents’ pages explain grooming, image sharing and gaming risks calmly, and the CEOP Safety Centre is where you report grooming or sexual abuse of your child online. When what has happened online may be a crime: someone asking for images or personal details, or pressure on your child to share pictures. Report at ceop.police.uk/safety-centre. www.ceopeducation.co.uk/parents
• Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). A free, confidential tool for under-18s to get a nude or sexual image of themselves removed from the internet, with Childline counsellors there if they want to talk. When an image of your child has been shared. Your child makes the report; you can sit with them while they do. www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove
• Internet Watch Foundation. The UK hotline that gets sexual images of children removed from the internet. The report is online, anonymous and free. When you have found an illegal image of a child, including one of your own child, and need it taken down. The IWF removes the image; reporting the person goes to CEOP or the police. The two usually need to run together. www.iwf.org.uk/en/uk-report

The full list for safeguarding, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/abuse-safeguarding/services