You go to her thing

The activity

She chooses a film, a book, a song or a game she cares about. You watch it, read it or play it, and ask one curious question.

What it is for. A teenager working out who she is often does it through the things she loves. Going to them on her terms, without laughing at them or correcting her, shows her she can work things out at home.

• The first step. Ask once: “Choose me something that matters to you, a film, a book, a song or a game, and I’ll watch it, read it or play it.”

Safety. Check the age rating first; if her choice is well beyond her age, ask kindly for another. If it is an online game, play beside her; this is not the evening to look through her messages.

When to get help. If she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If her mood has been flat, and she has been withdrawing, for several weeks, talk to your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Identity. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Parenting strategy. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.