Ten minutes where she leads

The activity

Ten minutes most days when she chooses what you play and you follow her lead. You don’t teach, correct or ask questions, and she never has to earn it.

What it is for. When she decides what happens and you follow, she gets your full attention without having to ask for it. A child who can count on that has less need to look for attention in ways you’d rather she didn’t.

• The first step. Pick a time you can keep most days, and tell her once: “Every day after tea, you and I get ten minutes, and you choose what we play.”

Safety. Beads, little bricks and other small pieces are a choking hazard for children under three; keep them off the floor if a younger child is about.

When to get help. If, in her play or in words, she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, don’t question her or interpret it; stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If her behaviour is becoming more frequent, more severe or harder to manage over several weeks, or is affecting her learning, friendships or life at home, talk to her nursery or school and to your GP or health visitor.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• Big Feelings and Co-Regulation. For parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help her through it.
• Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t Fair. For parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Attachment. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Behaviour. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.