The Long Question of Who They Are

Where to start

• Start with: “Thank you for telling me. I love you. I want to understand.”
• If your teenager tells you something personal, reassure them about your relationship before anything else: “Thank you for telling me. I love you. I want to understand.” Then ask: “Is there anything you want me to do, or would you rather I just knew?” Ask who else knows, and who they would want to know. What they have told you is theirs to tell, so it does not go to relatives, friends or school without their permission, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting them, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be here, say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.
• You may need time yourself, too. Take your own questions to another adult you trust, or to a counsellor, so your teenager doesn’t have to settle them for you. If you want to talk to a parent who has been where you are, there is a parent-run charity for the parents and families of LGBT+ people, and its helpline is answered by parents. FFLAG (parents and families of LGBT+ people), 0300 688 0368. Wed-Thu 10am-8pm; Fri-Sat 10am-6pm. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Anna Freud’s family-wellbeing pages cover looking after yourself while you are supporting your child, which is the part parents most often skip. The lines below are for you as much as for them.

The rest of the tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

It goes with

• When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Identity. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Sexuality. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.