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Difficult conversations

Difficult conversations

Parents put some conversations off, often for years, because the right moment never quite arrives: death, sex, divorce, their own diagnosis, or a family secret their child is starting to sense. If you’re dreading one of them, these pages suggest how to start, what to say first and what to do if it goes badly.

What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/difficult-conversations

What to do first

The conversation you’re dreading almost always does less damage than the silence around it. Children already know something is happening; what they don’t have is the words for it.

  1. Decide on the one true sentence you need to say, and write it down. You’ll need it when your nerve goes.
  2. Say it early in the day, not at bedtime, and sit side by side if that’s easier than face to face.
  3. Answer what you’re asked, then stop. Say you’ll come back to it, and then make sure you do.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

  • Alcohol and the First Parties. Talk about drink before the first party, so your teenager knows your rules and that they can always ring you.
    • Talk about drink before the first party, and ask what your teenager has seen.
    • If your teenager is very drunk, stay with them; if you think it’s alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
    • If your teenager seems to be drinking to cope, drinks alone, or you are worried about how much they drink, talk to your GP.
    • Spiking can look like being very drunk. If you suspect it, get medical help early and report it to the police. The person who was spiked is never to blame. If your teenager tells you someone did something sexual to them while your teenager was drunk, or an older person is giving them alcohol, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If that person lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
    • Alcohol poisoning can look like confusion, being sick, slow or irregular breathing, pale or blue-tinged skin, a fit, or passing out and being hard to wake. If your teenager is very drunk, stay with them and don’t leave them to sleep it off alone: they could be sick while drowsy and choke. If you think they have alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/alcohol-and-the-first-parties
  • The Day Your Child Asked About Sex. Give a brief, accurate answer when your child asks how babies are made, then stop.
    • Answer at the level your child asked it, and keep it brief, accurate and matter-of-fact.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-day-your-child-asked-about-sex
  • The Talk Before It Is Needed. Aim for eighteen short conversations about puberty over two or three years, starting early.
    • Start talking about puberty early, briefly and in passing, before it’s urgent.
    • Start talking about puberty early, briefly and in passing, long before anyone in the family has an urgent reason to. When a seven-year-old asks why their older cousin’s voice sounds different, answer them then and there. Do the same when an eight-year-old comments on the bra on the washing line: “Yes, that’s what bodies do as they get older. It happens to everyone. We can talk about it more if you want.” Then move on to something else. Your child has the information, and knows it’s a subject the family doesn’t flinch at.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-talk-before-it-is-needed

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

The walk with no agenda. Walk with your child at the same time each week, side by side. Some weeks they will talk, and you still go on the weeks they do not.

What it is for. Many children say the hardest things when nobody is looking straight at them. A regular walk gives your child a chance to say them, without any pressure to.

  • The first step. Choose a time you can keep most weeks, and a route you both know. A familiar walk is easy to start.

Safety. For under-fives, hold hands near traffic; the looking walk is best on a quiet route.

When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, finish the walk calmly, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If a change in your child’s mood or behaviour lasts for several weeks, gets worse, or begins to affect sleep, eating or school, talk to their school and your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
  • Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
  • Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk

The full list for difficult conversations, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/difficult-conversations/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.