Puberty

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• The Shut Door. A child who suddenly wants privacy is growing up, and knocking first tells her that her body is hers.
  • Knock on her door, and on the bathroom door, and wait for an answer before you go in.
  • If you think someone is hurting her, or she tells you so, stay calm, thank her if she has told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If the person hurting her lives in your home or her other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free. She can also talk to someone herself, without you in the room. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.
  • If she has hurt herself, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank her if she has told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
  • If she is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if she seems well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-shut-door
• What He Will Not Ask You. Some of what a boy needs to know about puberty is awkward to ask, so tell him before he has to.
  • Before they start, tell him in one sentence that wet dreams are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
  • In puberty, erections don’t only come when he’s thinking about sex. Childline tells boys they can happen when they’re not expecting them, at school or on the bus, that this can feel embarrassing, and that it happens to most boys. Tell him so, ideally before it happens.
  • See the GP if he’s worried about how his chest looks, if the pain isn’t going away, or if there’s a lump, a change in the skin, or discharge or bleeding from a nipple, and tell him the doctor will be used to talking about it.
  • If he shows no signs of puberty by fourteen, see the GP.
  • Any of this can come from his father, or from any adult he trusts. Say it side by side, in the car or on a walk, keep it short, and don’t ask him to reply. He can also talk to someone himself, without you in the room. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour. A charity for young people explains puberty on its website, alongside sex and contraception, so you may want to look first. Brook. Online at https://www.brook.org.uk/parents-and-carers/. Then leave a good book about boys’ puberty where he’ll find it, and tell him he can ask you anything in it, now or later.
  • Tell him that sudden, severe pain in a testicle needs a hospital straight away, however embarrassing, and so does pain there with sickness or tummy ache, or pain that lasts more than an hour: a twisted testicle must be treated within hours. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/what-he-will-not-ask-you
• When Puberty Starts at Eight. Puberty at eight is within the normal range, and girls who feel prepared and accepted at home tend to fare better.
  • See the GP about signs of puberty before eight, or nine in a boy, and a first period before ten.
  • Show the GP any signs that begin before then, including hair under the arms or around the genitals, and mention a first period before ten.
  • If an adult or an older child makes sexual comments to her, or touches or contacts her in a way that worries you, stay calm, thank her if she has told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If that person lives in your home or her other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free. She can also talk to someone herself, without you in the room. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-puberty-starts-at-eight

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

If you want to read further

• Puberty, and the Body That Gets There First. A chapter for parents whose child’s body has started to change, perhaps sooner than either of them expected. theparentbook.com/reader/puberty-and-the-body-that-gets-there-first

Who else can help

Most of puberty needs no professional at all. The GP is for signs that come very early or very late, and for periods heavy or painful enough to stop ordinary life; the school is the first stop for periods during the school day.

• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

• NHS (early or delayed puberty, and starting your periods). The NHS pages on puberty that starts early or late, and on starting periods: what is usual, and when to see a GP. When you want to check whether what you are seeing is within the usual range, before or after you speak to the GP. www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty
• Brook. The young people’s sexual health charity. Calm pages for parents on puberty, periods and talking about sex and relationships at home. When the question has arrived in the back of the car. Reading; the clinics are for young people themselves. www.brook.org.uk/parents-and-carers

The full list for puberty, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/puberty/services