Online safety

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• When Your Son Repeats What Influencers Say About Women. Being curious without blame can help your son see you as someone to talk to, so ask what he likes about them first.
  • Ask what he likes about the people he quotes before you give your view.
  • If he talks about hurting or hating women and girls, tell his school’s designated safeguarding lead that day.
  • Keep an eye on his mood as well as his opinions. A government-commissioned study of adult incels found poor mental health was common among them. If he talks about harming himself or not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe. Your son can also talk to a counsellor himself. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.
  • It becomes a safeguarding matter if your son talks about hurting women or girls, praises men who have attacked them, voices hatred of women or girls as a group, or becomes fixed on these ideas while pulling away from friends and family. That day, talk to his school’s designated safeguarding lead. They may raise Prevent, a national programme that aims to stop people becoming terrorists or supporting terrorism: the support it offers is voluntary, it isn’t a punishment, and a referral isn’t a criminal record. If the school is closed, or you want advice first, you can ask the police’s ACT Early advice line and website yourself, without giving your name.
  • If anyone is in danger now, don’t wait. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-he-repeats-what-influencers-say-about-women
• When the AI Becomes Your Child’s Confidant. If your child confides in a chatbot, tell them what it is and keep them talking to real people.
  • Tell your child briefly, in the car, what the chatbot is, without making it a confrontation.
  • Make sure they still have people to talk to: you, the school counsellor, a real friend.
  • Watch for downloading conversations that an adult should hear.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-the-ai-becomes-your-childs-confidant
• A First Phone, and the Class Group Chat. Before your child joins the class group chat, tell them they will never be in trouble for showing you something that upset them.
  • Set the phone up together, including who can contact them and add them to groups.
  • If anyone sends your child a nude or semi-nude picture, tell your child not to pass it on. Never ask them to send it to you, and never view, copy, print, share, store or save it; a screenshot is a copy. Don’t delete anything until you have advice from the school’s safeguarding lead. If a picture of your child has been shared, tell them it is not their fault; they can report it themselves to have it taken down. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/. If an adult sent it, or anyone is pressuring your child to send pictures, report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/a-first-phone-and-the-class-group-chat

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Play their game with them. Your child picks a game they play and teaches you how it works. You play beside them as a beginner, and find out what the game involves, including who they can talk to in it.

What it is for. For many children, games are where they relax and where they spend time with their friends. Playing one with your child shows them you’re interested in something they care about, and it teaches you what the game involves: who they can talk to in it, what it costs and how they would block someone.

• The first step. Ask your child to choose the game and teach you: “Will you show me how to play this? I’ll probably be hopeless.” Let them pick a time that suits them, and not one that cuts into playing with their friends.

Safety. Check the age rating, and what the game lets players do: chat, voice and buying things. Use the console’s or the game’s settings to limit who can talk to your child, and so that nothing can be bought without you. Don’t store a payment card on the console or in the app. Screens off about an hour before bed, and the console stays out of your child’s bedroom overnight.

When to get help. If you learn that someone in a game has asked your child for pictures or personal details, asked to meet them or asked them to move to another app, or that there is a sexual image of a child, stay calm, do not blame your child, and leave everything as it is (do not reply, look further, copy, forward or delete). Act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, and tell the school’s designated safeguarding lead. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day in the same way. If for several weeks gaming has come before sleep, meals and washing, your child has dropped things they used to enjoy, or they only see their friends online, talk to your child’s school and your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• Your Child’s Online World. For parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee. theparentbook.com/reader/online-life-beyond-screens
• When Your Child Is Being Bullied. For parents whose child has just told them about being bullied. theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-being-bullied

Worth your time

• A book for you: Children, Technology and Healthy Development, Catherine Knibbs. A UK child therapist who specialises in online harm explains, stage by stage, how technology meets children’s developing brains and bodies, and what staying safe looks like at each age. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/children-technology-and-healthy-development-how-to-help-kids-be-safe-and-thrive-online-catherine-knibbs/38d43eda802b8899
• A book to read together: Chicken Clicking, Jeanne Willis. Chick sneaks onto the farmer’s computer, shops online and arranges to meet a new friend, who turns out to be a fox. A rhyming cautionary tale for starting conversations about who we talk to online. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/chicken-clicking-jeanne-willis/64b0f9384b3401b6
• Something to watch: How to Help Children Use AI Safely | Internet Matters, Internet Matters, YouTube. A short guide to helping children use AI chatbots and tools safely, including privacy, checking what AI tells them and knowing when to talk to an adult. www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtlwqroazeQ
• Something to listen to: Episode 192 - Dr Kathy Weston and Dr Elly Hanson Share Thoughts on Netflix’s Adolescence, Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators, 48 min. Clinical psychologist Elly Hanson, who works on abuse and online harms, discusses the themes raised by Netflix’s Adolescence and the practical steps parents and schools can take. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/episode-192-dr-kathy-weston-and-dr-elly-hanson-share/id1450644258?i=1000702990319

Who else can help

If something has happened to your child online, this is a safeguarding conversation before it is anything else.

• The designated safeguarding lead at your child’s school. Every school has one, by law. They are trained for exactly this conversation and they have the routes a parent does not. As soon as you have a concern about a child’s safety. Ask for them by role; you do not have to explain yourself to the office first.
• The NSPCC helpline, for adults worried about a child. A line for the adult who is not sure whether what they have noticed is serious. You do not need to be certain, and you can call anonymously. When something has been said or seen and you do not know what to do with it. They will tell you whether it needs to go further, and help you take that step. Helpline 0808 800 5000, Monday to Friday 10am to 4pm Email help@nspcc.org.uk, read 11am to 4pm, seven days a week; a message sent while the service is closed is not received. If it is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101, or contact the child’s local children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. www.nspcc.org.uk

• Internet Matters. Step-by-step guides to the settings on every device and app, advice by age from nought to eighteen, and guides to AI tools and gaming. When you need to actually change something on a phone tonight. The most practical online safety source in the UK. www.internetmatters.org/advice
• Childnet. Guides to having the conversation, by age, on gaming, sharing images, online bullying and where the line is, from one of the charities behind the UK Safer Internet Centre. When the settings are done and the talking is the hard part. www.childnet.com/parents-and-carers
• CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). The National Crime Agency’s child protection command. Their parents’ pages explain grooming, image sharing and gaming risks calmly, and the CEOP Safety Centre is where you report grooming or sexual abuse of your child online. When what has happened online may be a crime: someone asking for images or personal details, or pressure on your child to share pictures. Report at ceop.police.uk/safety-centre. www.ceopeducation.co.uk/parents

The full list for online safety, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/online-safety/services