When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are

A chapter for parents whose child has asked the question they were not prepared for.

From the full chapter at theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-working-out-who-they-are

What helps while she works it out

The first job of the first response is not to be brilliant. It is to be safe, and to leave the door open for the next conversation.

Be safe before you are brilliant. “Thank you for telling me. I love you. We can talk about this whenever you want.” The disclosure has been registered without being rejected; that is the work.
Let it arrive in pieces. Children disclose across days and weeks, in low-key places, with their hands occupied. Do not race to the second and third question.
Carry on being the parent. The school run, the supper, the dog. Family life continuing as it always did tells her the world has not, on her account, ended.
Retire the closing sentences. “Are you sure”, “it is just a phase”, “I always knew”. The voice that helps says: I have heard you, I am not panicking, and we will work this out together.

Urgent help

If you or your child is in immediate danger, call 999. If you, or your child, is in mental health crisis, call NHS 111 and choose the mental-health option in England, Scotland and Wales, or Lifeline, free and confidential on 0808 808 8000, in Northern Ireland. Every other helpline, including Childline, Papyrus, NSPCC, Shout and Samaritans, is at theparentbook.com/urgent-help.